A girl

When I was young, I always acted like a boy, I played like a boy. I even had the confidence of a young boy, not worrying about anything. The idea of being the girl that society wants me to be was just terrifying. I did specific things on purpose to seem more manly. I wanted to do the things boys do and not being judged for it. I still want this. But I have no confidence because people always tell me that I have to be more like a girl. I began to refuse the colour pink and acted like I hated it when I actually didn`t. I like cute things and I like things boys like. Does this make me bad? Well, it really fucked me up and made me sad to be who I am. Then I got to know the best internet friends you can wish for. I told them about it directly and now they`re all calling me Nellow. I tried to tell my mom and my dad about it, cut my hair short but I still didn`t feel good about it. My parents did kinda nothing about it. I feel like they didn`t believe me. I tried to tell myself that I am a lesbian and in love with a friend of mine but it didn`t really work. So I lived on with more and more hate towards myself building up. I said negative things about myself jokingly, acting like an idiot. Yeah, I really was an idiot. I distanced myself from my friends, thinking they wouldn`t like me anyways. But I was so wrong. I love my friends and they love me. I didn`t understand it at that time and that really hurt them, I am sorry for that. I started chatting with someone of my class I had always found interesting. He told me about himself and so did I. Then I fell in love with him. I hated myself for falling in love with a boy who is, on top of that unreachable for me. We stopped writing one day, I don`t even know why. But I know that he doesn`t care about me at all. He doesn`t care about anything. It makes me feel sad to think about it but there`s nothing I can do. Telling him how I felt made everything better, although he doesn`t feel that way. I`m feeling more relaxed than ever when I am around him. It showed me that it`s ok to get rejected. Now I am trying to accept being a girl and embrace the things I do, building my confidence up again and being who I am. I personally think it´s really hard to get up again but I believe I can do this. I believe everyone who feels that way can do it, even when it seems like they can`t. So please, don`t judge others. It hurts.          

- Nellow